Dear Mr Brown

I have received in the last few days an application form for the "Winter Fuel Payment".

Now, I don’t wish to appear ungrateful, but recognising your desire to remain in your current job and your record of bribing the electorate to vote for you, I wish to make a suggestion.

What I really need is a:

SUMMER AIR CONDITIONING PAYMENT.

I feel this would fit neatly into your current policy portfolio of doing fuck all about Global Warming.

Your sincerely
Weggis

Transfer Gossip

Several of the top clubs are reported to be having a clear out this summer to reduce their expenses bill but so far there is little sign of interest or offers for those on the transfer list.

Norwich, having dropped to the third tier, are releasing their maverick and rather expensive midfielder, Ian Gibson. Delia was not keen on bringing in local prodigy Adrian Ramsay until she realised he was not that Ramsay. They are expected to turn their finances around by concentrating on the catering side with a special promotion – 100 things you can do with greens. They are also interested in the university player Rupert Bear.

Chadwell wing back, Wilson, was spotted recently leaving the home of the Reds fiery tempered Scottish manager, prompting speculation that he may be rejoining that club. Chadwell City have denied the rumours saying that the Reds are broke and can’t afford him, adding that the injury from a flying mobile phone is not serious.

Wembley Green are lining up an audacious 6 figure bid for Hayes left sided midfielder John McDonnell, but terms seem to be the sticking point. John wants a guaranteed spell on the green benches and sandwiches at half time.

Salford United are far from that. Their star striker’s future is in the balance as the Board continues to bicker over her off-field activities.

Ageing star playmaker Mandelson, having returned from a spell on the incontinent looks set to move into management while Tate & Lyle veteran Sir Alan is looking to move in the other direction.

Berks wide left wing back, Derek Wall, is interesting several clubs in South America.

Deptford United have held off a strong challenge from an undisclosed European club for the services of Ute Michel and look set to maintain their current line up, although the status of Jim Jepps’ loan deal is unclear.

That fiery Scottish manager remains unable to fill the position vacated by the now stinking rich Tony Blair. The option of David Cameron remains off limits at least for another year until his opposition contract expires.

Finally, GLA Hotspurs look to have secured a sponsorship deal with Johnson & Johnson.

Spot the Trend

There is a notion, justifiably, that the Home Counties of England are traditional Conservative territory and that anywhere north or west of the Watford Gap is traditional cloth cap Labour territory, both with a few exceptions of course.

Now take a look at the table below which shows the percentage share of the vote in the European elections for the Green Party and the British National Party by region.

Region	Greens	BNP
South East	11.60%	4.40%
London	10.90%	4.90%
South West	9.30%	3.90%
East of England	8.80%	6.10%
Yorkshire and Humber	8.50%	9.80%
North West	7.70%	8.00%
East Midlands	6.80%	8.70%
West Midlands	6.20%	8.60%
North East	5.80%	8.90%

It seems to me that the Green Party does best in the South East and as we move away to the north and the west there is a general decline in support. The BNP seems to me to be the antithesis to that trend.

So what we’ve got in general is the BNP doing better in Labour territory and the Greens doing better in Conservative territory.

Just as senior Labour grandees were amazed when the Trade Unions marched in support of Enoch Powell, could there be a not so visible march of the Blues causing the current Tory grandees to sit and stroke their beards.

Something for the party strategists to mull over.

[Note: I have excluded Wales and Scotland because they both have their own National Parties which rather confuses the figures]

Eerily Quiet

I’ve just been round the corner to do my public duty and cast a vote in the Euro Elections. For the first time, as far as I can recall, there were no tellers there wanting to tick me off their list. True, it is pretty much a solid Tory ward but there have always been tellers there from the 3 main parties in the past. They work together in shifts. I usually know who they are and stop for a chat and a bit of leg pulling.

I know this area pretty well and also the bit of Wanstead I usually do the leafleting in. You get to know over time which houses have posters in the windows and placards in the garden. Nothing, not a sausage. You also tend to see other parties out leafleting or canvassing. We swap leaflets, even with the BNP – I want to know what they are saying. Again nothing, diddly squat. And I have not had any hand delivered leaflets through my letterbox – just the postal ones.

Richard Lawson reports of LibDem campaigners taking their rosettes off before they went into a pub for a drink. Well at least they were wearing rosettes, unlike the Labour lot in South Ilford if indeed it was not just a mock up photoshoot.

One blog, can’t remember which one, reported a poll of 15% of people who would not normally vote in the Euro elections but were intending to do so this time. The inference here is that those votes will go to the minor parties or the Independents. Added to that the general public anger over the expenses thing which could see traditional supporters of the 3 main parties either not voting at all or voting for one of the minor parties – things are starting to look interesting. And, there are reports that traffic on the minor party websites is booming.

There may well be some gasps before the weekend is out. Whichever way it goes, these are not normal times.

You know what they say about the lull before the storm.

Romford Roadster

Well, having commented on the plight of Labour and Liberal Democrats, who is next? Ah! those chaps who complain about Johnny foreigner coming over here and not respecting our rules and way of life – like driving whilst under the influence of alcohol or without insurance.

Oh! The lead candidate for the BNP in the London Euro elections was arrested last Thursday for precisely those reasons. Whatever next?

Dear Sarah

Thank for your email, received today at 16:28, in response to my email sent to you over two months ago. I very much appreciate your stance on Canada’s seals and not being a cynic will not mention that it is now 2 days to go before you submit yourself for re-election to the European Parliament.

However, I have to point out that my whiz bang chart producing software [courtesy of Mingdacious Graphics] says that there is no chance of the Liberal Democrats winning here, so I will vote for someone else. Possibly the one London MEP who I didn’t include in that email list because I already knew her position on the subject.

Weggis

Archive Footage?

A little while back Jim at the daily maybe pondered where are all the Labour Activists?

Well, they appear to have showed up in Ilford South. Maybe?

Take a look at those photos. They were certainly there, wherever there is, for the photoshoot, whenever that was. But there is no evidence to suggest that they actually knocked on any doors. Where are the smiling and supportive residents? Maybe they deliberately chose Saturday afternoon when everyone was busy watching the Blues win the cup final.

Look closer. How would a passer by know that they were Labour Party activists? Not a red rosette in sight, just a glimmer of one being carefully hidden by Elaine Norman behind a bunch of papers.

Note too, that the MP Mike Gapes has what looks like a remembrance day poppy on his left lapel in the group photo, [safety in numbers] but this has mysteriously disappeared when he is on his own pacing it out to an urgent meeting elsewhere perhaps?

Some corroborating evidence from independent observers would be welcome.